Authors note:

In light of the Kavanaugh SCOTUS debate, I start considering more “foundational fixes”. How can we make sure this never happens again? How can we improve our flawed human condition? Here’s what I came up with…

I’m calling for a new Federal Dept. of Penis & Vagina (DP&V).

These parts have obviously been allowed to ramble around - UNREGULATED - for far too long. They are causing most of the problems in our society today; and something must be done!

The DP&V will require the electronic chipping of all penises (penii?) and vaginas, in order that we might monitor their proximity to each other, blood flow, pulse rate, blood alcohol levels and brainwave patterns. The DP&V will do this so we can quantitatively determine what these suspect orifices are thinking and if the “little-brains” are conspiring to lewd, illegal or career-ruining activities. 

The data points collected by genital monitoring devices (gmd’s) will be constantly, wirelessly uploaded to a national database of what we will call “heavy-petadata” from the birth-chipping of each American. 

By doing this, we will no longer have to use subjective, biased and hazy recounting by flawed adult brains of drunken, pubescent party activities and decision making 30 years prior.  This will come in handy, and save millions of tax dollars later during elections and promotions of national importance. 

Instead, we will quantitatively be able to determine what these irrational, fleshy, pleasure centers, and baby-makers are thinking with irrefutable scientific accuracy. 

The DP&V realizes that this monitoring might be a minor invasion of the hosts privacy. We realize that having the equivalent of an iWatch up your hey-nanny-nanny or rhythm-stick might be uncomfortable. But hosts need to look at the greater good. If you can help the entire human condition simply by allowing the tracking of your “junk”: what kind of sociopathic, self-centered, narcissist would object based in a little loss of “privacy”?

*Note*: non-binary folks will not be excluded from DP&V oversight by use of gmd’s.  Conversely, because options are more fluid; monitoring will be expanded or prorated accordingly by a DP&V division known as NARDS (Not Any Real Determined Sexuality)

Much like a good undergarment: we thank you for your support. 

We look forward to your complete, “higher-minded” compliance.