“What makes you think you will be successful?”

This is the question I was asking myself recently. I was asking because I generally have good self esteem and confidence.  I am a generally optimistic person.  I feel like there is nothing I can’t be somewhat successful doing.  So I started to ask myself, why I might feel that way? 

I tried not to think about my answers too much, but simply write as quickly and honestly as I could in 15 minutes.  I tried to list (relatively speaking) qualities and attributes that might give me self esteem and confidence. 

Here is how the list went:

• I’m not that smart.

• I’m not great at math.

• I read relatively slowly.

• I have no advanced degrees.

• I don’t have any real natural talents to speak of.

  • (I can draw and sculpt a little)

• I am trying to be a better writer...but have little training.

• I am not great at joke telling.

• My public speaking abilities are mediocre.

• I speak no other languages fluently.

• I can’t play any musical instruments.

• I can’t sing.

• I can drive just about anything (even a plane a little).

• I can have addictive behaviors.

• I am cursing more now than ever before 

  • (and that is not something I’m proud of).

• Jesus is just alright with me.

• My brain gets hung-up on subjects to a point of being debilitating.

• I cry more now, but not in a bad way.

• I have super thick skin...outwardly.

• I can weather more than almost anyone I know.

• I need very little.

• My heart can be cold, but wants to be warm.

• I can be selfish...and occasionally thoughtful.

• I’m good at getting folks to parties, but not great at entertaining.

• I can dance, but hardly do anymore.

  • (so maybe I can’t anymore?)

• I don’t live in fear.

• I do take chances.

• I also calculate real risk better than most folks.

• I don’t really know what I want out of life.

  • I spend most of my time trying to do what I’m supposed to do.

• I procrastinate (like right now, making this list)

• I might be a loser (I have a lot of the behaviors, genetics and training).

• Anything that I have accomplished has been a factor of sheer, brute force.  I have forced the door for anything that has ever gone my way.  I am a human battering ram, and that’s not always good or what I want to be.

• I have a dangerous temper, but I have become much better at controlling it.

• I can compartmentalize to a degree that is scary; even to me.

• I like to work, and can be happy doing any task.

• I’m open to possibilities.

• I don’t mind saying, “I don’t know.”

• I like to be wrong, and learn new things.

• If I decide a rating is important to me: I am it’s slave.  

  • (However, almost nothing feels important to me.)

• I love art, but am realizing that as much as I might think I do...I probably don’t have anything interesting to contribute.

• My looks aren’t going to open any doors for me.

• I hope I have been a good parent, and my kids know I have their back.

• I am fairly handy.

• I ‘m in good health, but also ignore and deny stuff.

• I hate when a good book is over.

 If you look at the list, I am really not much to write home about.  Literally, very few talents, assets and/or potential.  And all I can postulate to explain my optimism is: despite my very limited capabilities; I know what’s in my heart.

And because the passion and the motivations feel “real” and of some value...I feel like I have some value.  I feel like I can contribute.  And I guess that is enough to keep me going; confident and optimistic.

Imposters Syndrome?

My wife (the counselor) tells me this list is a lot like “Imposter’s syndrome”.  A real thing, that is apparently very popular now.  It’s when people with success, look around and feel guilty because they don’t feel like they deserve what they have relative to other successful (and not successful) folks around them.  I want to assure you: that is not what this list is about.  It was more about looking at myself clearly and objectively to answer a question.  There is not a single item on that list that is not as objectively true as I can muster...and I’m cool with them.  I accept every one of those items completely and without regret or remorse.  If I felt upset about any of them...I’d change them.  But I have made decisions along the way that led to that list, and if I were put in the exact same position again tomorrow...I’d likely make the same decisions.  In a way, I’ve earned my shortcomings.

I have so much more I want to do.