Author’s Note
This is a skit about American foreign policy, as represented by two dads having a phone conversation. You (the audience) can only be in the room with the Dad who is representing the United States, but you will probably be able determine what the other dad is saying and how he feels. It was written in Oct. 2015, so the Nobel Peace Prize part refers to Obama (who is the kid).
Enjoy!
Riiiiing! Riiiiiing!
"Hello?
“Yes, this is him.”
“How can I help you?"
(muffled yelling coming from the phone. America holds the phone away from it’s ear)
"Whoa, calm down buddy, you’re obviously upset. Dial it back a little bit, pal."
"Yes, I heard about it. Yeah, I'm aware. We talked about it, and he had my blessing. Heck, I might as well tell you: I even helped."
"Why did my kid beat up your kid and then vandalize your house? Well isn't it obvious?"
"Yes, I realize that the rumor he heard about your kid saying he didn't like him was just a rumor, but bottom line for this family: if we don't feel safe...we act. Truth really doesn’t matter if we don’t feel safe."
"Yes, I realize that my kid is 17 years old, and your kid is 6 years old: but why does that matter? Can you promise me that your kid won't grow up to be bigger than my kid? I didn't think so. And what then? Nope, we just couldn't risk it, so I gave my kid my approval to - as I put it - "beat him into stunted growth".
(more upset sounding questions coming from the phone)
"We came to your house, because we thought your kid might come here. I realize that he only has a scooter, and my kid can drive: but that's why we had to take advantage now. You just don't get it. By coming to your house and beating your kid, and wrecking and stealing your stuff, we can be sure you won't get any funny ideas later. It's really nothing personal. It's just our policy, and it makes us feel safe."
"Yeah, that's true. We do have 5 trained Pitbulls here that will kill on demand. Yes, we do have a sizable moat. Also true, that we have a tiger. But did you know that we also have venomous snakes? I'd like to think that we have more venomous snakes guarding our house than any other house in the region. It's a sourse of pride around here."
"So how did we feel scared that a 6 year old on a scooter was going to cross town and 10 busy highways, and attack your heavily fortified home, muscular kid, and your gun-toting family? I don't have to answer that. We just did, and that's all that matters. We like things here the way they are, and I don't need to explain to the likes of you why we choose to take care of business when we decide it's time."
"No, you can't have your stuff back. That was half of the point of beating the shit out of your kid. Lots of kids don't like my kid, but we picked your kid because we heard you had some nice things at your place. Why would we go after some poor kid? That's just stupid."
"I don't see why that's relevant? Why does it matter that my kid won the Nobel High Peace Prize? No, I don't see any irony in that."